Cancer Checkup
Future Tests
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On November 19, 2018, I proudly held a sign with my fiancé by my side, “Last Chemo Treatment.” I felt like I was holding a Grammy! All those months of pain paid off. I was in remission and given more time.
My fiancé and I went on our first trip together earlier this month and reconnected with one another. My weight has come back, and I feel strong. I am back at work and integrating old me with new me. My body and mind are one.
I have shared my story with friends and colleagues, promoting cancer awareness. I share my story so that we talk more about cancer and share our fears. I hear myself tell my story and process my experience. I learn about my self-healing and where I need attention. I no longer have to focus on writing medical symptoms, but I do embrace mental accountability.
I am confident that having a healthy mindset is our best resource in a time of crisis. This doesn’t mean that you fight anger and sadness. On the contrary, it means that I experience all emotions. How else can I prepare for hardship and success at the same time?
Embracing the negative and accepting that I cant always choose a positive outcome prepares me for tomorrow’s challenges. Emotions can guide decision making, but a decision based solely on emotions rather than experience is unreliable. I try to ask myself these questions and reflect:
- What is bothering me?
- Can something from the outside change this emotion?
- Does this emotion guide me to good decision making?
It is currently the day before my first follow-up scan, and I have a wave of emotions. Some darker than others, but overall I feel prepared. I know these emotions are leading to one question:
Do I have cancer?
I feel healthy, but I felt healthy before and was diagnosed with cancer. Did I prepare enough for tomorrow's exam? Am I prepared?
If only I knew the right answers…the material…the questions that need a more in-depth explanation to pass. I did everything in my power to prepare for this moment, but maybe that one glass of wine will be my trigger. On the other hand, perhaps those hours at the gym caused a domino effect of good habits that lead to a clear scan.
Each scan for the next five years will act as a marker in this marathon to live.
I’ve entered a new part of my journey with cancer: Acceptance. I am accepting what I know along with the unknown. I understand that a healthy diet prevents disease, so I eat food that will fuel my body. I don’t know what caused my cancer, and I have accepted that I may never know. I am not alone, but the truth is we all feel alone at some point in our life.
I have been here before.
Tomorrow I will be injected with radioactive glucose. I will then rest in a dark room for thirty minutes before my scan. This gives the glucose time to infiltrate my body as an undercover cop. Cancer feeds off sugar, but this injection is different from regular sugar. It is a brilliant disguise that exposes the silent killer’s location by sending signals to the machine. If there are cancer cells, they will glow on the scan like small stars.
Tomorrow will be a step closer to being cancer-free. Tomorrow will bring a path with options. I can only hope that the stars are dormant, but if they choose to wake…I am ready.
